Sexual healingSexHe is my first sexual partner and I enjoy our sex life, but I am really uncomfortable with his fantasies – plus he wants me to watch porn with himI am a 24-year-old woman with a boyfriend of three months, and he is my first sexual partner. He has helped me to relax and enjoy sex. However, he has also told me he has rape fantasies, which I am really uncomfortable with. He watches porn, which I understand that many people enjoy, but I find myself worrying about the nature of it. He has said he'd like me to watch with him, but I can't let go of the idea of rape. Should I accept this as "normal"?
Rape fantasies are common but, as with any kind of fantasy about non-consensual sex, it is important to assess whether a person is likely to act these out or not. Your boyfriend has been frank with you, so perhaps he is simply hoping to increase the erotic spark between you, which does frequently occur when taboos are violated. Having said that, you are at the beginning of your sexual adventures, so keep in mind that you're not required to like everything he or anyone else suggests, and that you must always feel free to decline. But it might be worth sampling a little of his porn, at least to help you gain some further insight. First, ask him to help you understand exactly what he feels would be gained by your watching it. If you see something coercive or upsetting, express that. Set firm boundaries. In particular, listen to your intuition: if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments).
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